Turkish dating in usa
Hello all,I recently started dating a Turkish girl I live in the United States and she is here working for the summer. I am extremely interested in her so far, it has only been about a week of us hanging out, but I think she is very interested in me as well. I just want to know some of the customs and best practices for dating a Turkish woman. The best advice I've seen has been to buy then things--gold, etc.
I don't know if this is old-school or if this girl is just different, but it doesn't seem like she would want or need to be showered with gifts. I of course pay for the big expenses when we have gone out, but she always offers to pay and I have reluctantly allowed her to pay for desert and things like that. Another thing is that she is set to go back to Turkey in about 2 months, so I don't have much time.
I haven't really thought about long-term, I just know that I like her a lot so far--if we're still dating in 2 months I will figure things out from there. Thanks for any help! Welcome to the forum Thomas. Wow, you are rushing things. Slow down and take your time. If you are very keen on her I suggest you try to find out more about Turkish culture as they are very family orientated which in the long run often causes problems in mixed relationships.
I suggest you take a look here. Hey Sunny thanks for the warm welcome! I think you may have misunderstood me, I'm not ready to buy her anything expensive, I had just read that this was customary to do for turkish women--probably more so when marriage is in question.
I think that is good advice to learn about their culture just in general. I am seeing her again tonight, so I guess I will keep doing what I'm doing as it has gottene me this far. We hit it off and were married 4 months later no, it was not a shotgun wedding. That was almost 11 years ago, now we have a beautiful daughter and are living here in Istanbul and I have no regrets whatsoever. I'm not offering advice, just sharing my story; I don't think I would ever advise anyone to marry after only 4 months, but in our case we just "knew". Hi and welcome to our forum. It's hard to know how to reply as we mostly deal with foreign females asking for advise.
If she want's to pay her way when you go out and it seems that she does'nt need or want to be showered with gifts the answer is to go along with it. You say you have only been hanging out for a week and she goes back to Turkey in about 2 months as you have more than an interest in her, you might find you may scare her off if you start buying her expensive things. Culture can be complex here and a lot will depend on how she was brought up and what her family are like.
Just take it easy, get to know each other and if you feel strongly about her when she leaves you could buy her something nice to remember you by. It may well be that your relationship might go on or once you get to know each other that the relationship flounders in time as it can do in any relationship when you find out the person isn't exactly right for you.
Good luck and hope you let us know how it pans out. They do tend to be fast movers when they have made their minds up. Never bought any gold. Some roses on valentines day. Can't think of any other presents at all. We had no dosh at that time. And it was 21 years ago when we started. As this girl has come to the US by herself to work for the summer, I guess she must have a certain degree of independence, which her family is OK with? I would say just play it by ear for now, and as others have said, try to learn about Turkish culture in the meantime!
Thanks for the input everyone. I have asked her a little about her family, but do not want to make her too homesick. It seems like she does have a lot of independence, which I think is a really good thing. We hung out once again last night, and we're planning on doing the same tonight. I think I will continue to play it by ear and treat her with respect like I would any other woman. She said in her broken English that I love "for the next two months, you are mine.
Thanks again for the feedback. Welcome to the forum from me too Thomas. Like the others have said just take it slowly and play it by ear. But even though Im from the UK if any man bought me gold or expensive gifts in the 1st week of being together I would go running!! Enjoy your next 2 months together and Im sure somewhere in those months the 'what next' talk will come up.
Hello all--Since I last posted on here a lot has changed with my Turkish girlfriend and I. We are planning on staying together despite the distance between us. She has one year left in school and I am already saving my money for a trip to Turkey--and I'm even kicking around the idea of moving to the country for a little while. My plan would be to find a job or continue my education in Turkey and eventually move back to the United States this is where she would like to eventually end up. I don't know that I'm necessarily looking for advice--but if you all have any, I'm definitely all ears.
This is more of an update and proclamation that Turkish women the one that I know are simply amazing. It's great to hear from you again and glad to hear your romance is going well. We have a few male members who are married to Turkish woman who will I'm sure agree with you last comment. If you did move over to Turkey which city would you be thinking of living in. I don't know what you do for a living so don't know how easy it would be to get a good job.
You will of course need to get a Work Permit which doesn't take long to get and is quite an easy thing to do. But I have to say that the hard part will be finding an employer who will apply for one for you. Maybe you can find an American Company that trades with Turkey and get an in house transfer.
The other thing is if you don't speak Turkish that could be against you. Maybe your girlfriend could search out large International companies who you could contact. I can't comment on you continuing your education in Turkey as I don't really have the knowledge but there are other members who do, and hope they will advise you.
Thanks for the advice. A little bit more about me might help the suggestion process: When it comes to relationships, he says that Turkish women expect more out of their men, but that it decreases over time. So a guy might go all out when he is trying to get a girl to be his girlfriend, but a few months in, he might not try as hard. I've asked him about the role of women in Turkey, and as far as I know, they are pretty liberated. They are Muslim, but have a lot more freedom than most Muslim women. While they are expected to take care of the kids and the house like in the US , the majority of them work.
I think it is also a generational thing. This guy is in his 20's, and he said that in campuses, college kids are a lot more liberated. Hookah is also really common in the culture, but he tried to stop smoking And congrats on passing so many happy years with your Turkish husband! Do you speak Turkish as well? If I spoke Turkish I would feel a little less out of the loop! My Turkish husband and I are in our 13th year of marriage, but I can't really offer any more than the excellent advice already given here.
The only thing I would advise though, if the relationship appears to be getting serious, is for you both to set some groundrules based on the differences in both cultures In my opinion communication is the key to a successful marriage I think that if you browse through the romantic relationship forum and the marriage forum you may get a better idea of the culture, especially if you look at this thread although it's rather long. Sorry Chica but I disagree, maybe in the cities a lot of women go out to work but in Turkey as a whole the majority do not.
Their "liberation" is not the sort of liberation that you have in the U. Every now and then we hear a story about how a village has bucked the trend and started a womens' cooperative making or doing something but these sorts of stories are very few and far between. I agree with Cukurbagli about the situation of women and work. Many of the women with whom I have spoken do not see working for someone else as liberating. They are pleased that the little their husbands earn is enough for them to to able to spend time cleaing their own houses instead of cleaning someone else's.
Apart from teachers who, unlike in most Western countries, are highly respected, working women are at best pitied and at worst looked down on. As for relationships, part of the tingle of a new relationship is all that asking questions and sharing and finding out about each other. Take your time, you will definitely find good advice here but your boyfriend is the only one who is going to provide you to the answers to your questions.
Also you could read these newspapers to give you idea of what happens in Turkey. You will find that one paper leans to the left and the other to the right of politics. That was all very helpful! I could kind of see family values in the movie "My Father My son" I can't remember the name in Turkish! It was interesting to see how incredibly close the family was and how important family is in Turkey.
My boyfriend also told me that at Turkish weddings, the man has to drink a cup of coffee after the bride pours salt in it Supposedly it symbolizes how the man should respect the woman in the marriage and not complain. I quite liked that: DAlso, he said that Turkish men generally respect women for everything that they do: I am crafty and take care of myself laundry, cooking, etc. He said that he is expected to give a lot of gifts when he returns home to Turkey for a short vacation. He is also used to spending a lot of money.
I, on the other hand, am frugal and save a lot. If I really want something, I buy it, but I think about it a lot first! Where I live in Turkey the coffee isn't drunk at the wedding it happens before when the families meet to discuss a possible engagement. The girl will make coffee to impress the propective inlaws, she can sometimes put salt into the boyfriends coffee either to test him or to show that she isn't in agreement with the engagement.
In some cases if the girl makes the coffee badly she can be turned down as a perspective bride. Yes, family is very important in Turkey and I've found that the bond between mother and son is usually very strong. Gifts, I often wonder if its just about showing how well they have done in their new country. Unfortunately, the giving of gifts can get out of hand but that is a whole different topic. That coffee we had.
I thought it tasted strange. So mrs fil was trying to tell me something, perhaps subconsciously. She said it was because she is culinary challenged. To find out after all these years I think in your case if it wasn't her culinarily skills at fault she was testing you to see if you were made of sterner stuff, You obviously passed the test: Hi ChicaI'm a little late adding to your thread, as I just got back from Turkey to Uk last week, and have been settling back home and catching up.
I'm a relative newly wed to some of the others here - I've been married to my Turkish hubby for 5 years. Giving you my take on 'Turkish Culture' would probably take ages, and probably be useless to you. In the end, you make your own culture in a relationship. The generational differences you wonder about are more apparent in some areas than others.
There's a good chance that if you visit a village, you'll see that most girls move from their mother's house to their marital home - or maybe even to their mother-in-law's house - and they would expect to lead quite a domesticated life of housekeeping and visiting family. As someone has said already, there's no substitute for actually going over there for a visit when the time is right. Visiting your boyfriend's family may give you an insight into the sort of family roles that he envisages - but then again, having expanded his own horizons, he may choose to live differently to them!
Still, it helps build the picture of what has made him the person he is. A member of the forum I run for girls with Turkish partners sorry for the blatant plug!
She's over in Turkey at the moment, having just had their Turkish wedding and staying with the family for the first time. You could either look out for her on the site see the link below in my signature , or I could put you in touch with each other if you like. But don't feel obliged - just if you think it might help. I wish you luck in your relationship. I know many girls who having met a Turkish man have a real thirst and curiosity for all things Turkish - but in the end, I think it's good to see faults and pitfalls as well as seeing the good things.
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Every culture has its good and bad aspects. Hope everything works out well for you.
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Wow, you've asked so many questions that it's difficult to know where to start. Firstly, what I would say to you is, try to keep your feet on the ground and let things take their natural course. You've only been dating this man for just over a month, and as he works such long hours - and there is a language barrier - you'd do much better in getting to know him as a person by going out with him and sharing time together, than by trying to find out every nook and cranny about his culture - when he doesn't even intend on living in Turkey - and is hoping to settle in the US.
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I know it's natural to want to discover a little about someone's culture when you start dating someone from a different country, but only having known him for a month I get the impression you're focusing too much on his background, almost as though you're banking on spending the rest of your life with him. It seems terribly quick to want to know all the ins and outs of his culture at such an early stage. I know you say there's a lnaguage barrier between you both, but really, the onus is on him to learn your language - he's the one who wants to settle in the US out of interest, what is he reading for his PhD and what language is he studying it in?
It's also him who needs to learn about your culture and how he'll have to adapt to living and settling in the US. Of course, if your relationship continues, deepens and becomes serious, then you will want to know about his family background etc - just as you would any man. But trying to learn about this man by studying Turkish culture is pointless: Some are very Westernised and some are not; some are very liberal and some are very staunch.
And with all due respect, finding out how to make good Turkish coffee is not going to make him fall in love with you - he'll just think you're a good coffee maker. I can tell you now that my partner who I've been with for 7 years doesn't rate my Turkish cooking skills, but he still loves me despite that, and he still respects me. When you said your boyfriend told you that Turkish men respect women who cook, clean and go out to work, I'm inclined to think it's more to do with them liking them to clean and cook, than respecting them for it.
So if you don't mind me saying this, I'd be a little wary of that statement of his. It sounds like he's letting you know now what he expects from a wife, and he's sweetening it by saying it's a 'respect thing'. Regarding him paying for you when you go out on dates, all men the world over usually like and expect to pay. There can be instances where the woman does pay her share, but as a general rule the man likes to foot the bill.
So I don't see that as strange or abnormal. In certain circumstances a couple may split the bill, but usually it's the man who pays, so you should stop concerning yourself with that. Besides, he has no qualms about paying, so why are you so worried about it? He wants to pay - so let him. As for him buying you an evil eye, shawl and a shirt for your birthday - I don't think that's excessive. Incidentally, where did he purchase them from?
Do you have a Turkish centre near you? I did notice you saying that you felt he was trying to 'buy you' with gifts - what made you feel that? If you sensed he gave them to you with ulterior motives, it might be worth you delving more into what he actually wants from you. There's no suggestion at this stage that he's after a green card by marrying a US citizen, but it's something you need to be made aware of. Ultimately, if I were you I would just enjoy dating this man and getting to know him, and allow the relationship to progress naturally Just enjoy your time together and see how things go - it's very, very early days, still Personally I'd never go running after a man to do all things Turkish for him and I've never learnt how to make Turkish coffee although we do go to our neighbours most mornings during the summer for a cup.
Just be yourself and do things you're comfortable with.
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Too many young women like to rush around and do all things for their man instead of sharing work and then later they are not happy when he has got used to this way of life being waited on hand and foot. Anyway, as Strawberry says, it's early days so take it easy. Hello Chica, after reading your post earlier this morning I have been thinking all day what other advise to give you but I cant think of anything as everybody have covered it all above. As Strawberry and many others have said dont go doing things for him that make you uncomfortable.
http://4840.ru/components/wie-whatsapp/wuc-handy-orten.php I think he is doing all these things for you as he is comfortable with them and he is just being himself so you should do the same aswell and stop worrying about culture. When I first met my husband 5 years ago I was the same as you and I was so worried about the culture and how would I cope to changes that it made the start of our relationship very stressful for me when I should have been enjoying the early days and taking each day as it came.